Becoming Johnny Depp

abosh07

This is a short peice I’ve been working on for a while now, editing, revising, researching, determining, and I think I may be ready to share it. Since this is a Johnny Depp blog, and Kim has given me the green light to prance across the page with my wiry spectacle of nonsense. (AKA. being an American writer)

As a human study project for a sociology course I was taking last semester, I came up with a brilliant, if not completely inane idea. What if one could imitate a day in the life of someone out of their own realm? What if one could become another person by way of a simple and reversible measure, if only for a few minutes or hours? What if the film Being John Malcovich could truly happen?

If it’s at all possible, I would like to propose this: Becoming Johnny Depp.

Even if only for twenty minutes or five hours, what if one could be him, see the world through his eyes, experience the tiptoeing risks of his everyday life? What if one could take in the feeling of being overwhelmed by a thousands shutter bugs and sharpie markers at once, a million screaming women and in many cases men too? What if you could step inside his mind, which from the outside appears to be nothing short of a miracle place (circa. Hemingway or Lincoln’s own brains.)? What if….?

Here’s how I’ve imagined it through the use of demo and parallel thought process:

 

1. You wake up perhaps, inside of a mind and body that aren’t yours. You look around the room to see things that you might see in a movie, or in an English castle, or even on a deserted island (all depending on Johnny’s current location). You may realize immediatley that either you’re no longer of the same anatomical dependence, or that you’ve just “gotten better” if the same sex still applies. Either way, it’s Johnny and not you any longer.

 

2. In my own personal idea of this scheme, I’ve decided that minds do not become dominant, and rather mesh. Your mind and Johnny’s, as one. His idea of right and wrong, and your morals both fighting for equal attention in the world. His eyesight (which is bad without eye-wear) and your own (which may be good). You see what he sees and feel what he feels, but must also justify this with your own emotions and visions. Talk about a challenge right?

 

3. Now, you get dressed. Seems simple enough, and yet because of how complex this one, single man is…it is the most demanding task thus far. Even moreso than accepting that you are in Johnny Depp’s mold. Now you have to cover it with something decent, something weather friendly (again depending on location), and something that won’t catch the papparrazzi’s attention too quickly. Oh and you have five minutes because you have a press conference in ten. Good luck!

(note: bangles, neclaces, scarfs, belts, rings, bandanas, and anything dirty have the potential for bonus points!)

 

4. Press Conference for “Something-Something” film: You are offered a chair, a glass of water, a microphone, some pens and paper, and nothing else. Alcohol is prohibited. Smoking breaks are limited to afterwards. Ray Bans and Aviators are expected to be removed, no matter the pain of the florescents and flashbulbs. You must sit, listen, be questioned, smile, accept, listen some more, smile wider, scratch your neck, laugh at sporadic misinterpreted jokes about the film you don’t even remember making, answer questions for the director’s benefit, doodle when no one’s looking, smile because it’s all you know to do, scratch your arm, question, question, question, laugh, chuckle, twist boots into pretzel formation, sip at the water, itch nose, play with dingles, answer a closing question about your personal life, yawning, standing, and exiting to the interviews for the day.

P.S. You must sign 250+ autographs on your way from the chair they provided you to a tinted SUV, deal with further flashing, and carpal tunnel from writing your name as if its up for auction.

 

5. Repetative Interviews: Because no one has original questions when it comes to interviews for new films, you must repeat yourself at least 100 times, each time trying to make the answer sound just the slightest bit fresh or renewed from the last. You may travel with coffee this time, but are forewarned of terribly unknowledgable interviewers and how you are to control any spitting, nostril choking, or gurgling of fluids onto them in a fit of joy or laughter. You try, and sometimes find it easier than other times. You’ll begin to wish Tim was there, or Gore, or even at worst, Orlando Bloom. You need a buffer from the cameras and constant attention. You need an excuse to focus only on the fading and worn strings falling from the holes of your jeans. You need an excuse to be relieved of at least a dozen recognizable inquiries about yourself, the movie that you believe you have no right to speak of, and the cast that are each in simultaneous rooms talking about you.

You must keep from getting nervous beyond the point of being an adorable fan favorite on You Tube.

 

6. Food break of course, because you are still Johnny Depp and are still considered to be of importance in the world enough to eat. And you eat well, no doubt. The very best restaurant or takeout that the PR system in the building can locate. Wine is to be provided at a simple, already knowing request. (Importation will gladly be provided given time and location.) And while all of this sounds good, you must remember that wherever you go, you will be watched, followed, hounded by anyone with two legs, able build and a sigh of adoration for you. You will only ever eat in peace from your own kitchen, which has been staked out, tapped, mauled and stalked on many an occasion. Remember this for later.

 

7. It’s late at night by the time things even remotely settle down. And the only reason they are calm, is because you are in a blacked out SUV on your way to the center of city, without anyone knowing who or what you are behind the glass. This is perhaps the best time of your day, when you can see the world and not a single, breathing being notices you. You are human for this twenty minutes in time. You are just another person in a car, listening to the radio, watching life pass by. There is no Johnny Depp for another 7 1/2 minutes…until the car stops.

 

8. 11:30 PM – The Letterman Show: This is entertainment for you, for Johnny, for whoever is engulfing his body and mind at the time. David Letterman is a buddy, he loves Johnny, he admires him, he’s claimed that he is the “coolest guy” to have ever come on the show before. At this, you know it won’t be completely terrible. The waiting will kill you first, the makeup chair, the anticipation of walking onstage, waving, shaking hands, sitting down without tripping over your boot laces. But the jokes will flow freely from nervous energy and every smile you flash the audience will cause three or more people to go into cardiac arrest, which will then give Dave all the more reason to find you to be “the coolest.” You may sip at the coffee cup, but carefully, and only when jokes have hit a middle point rather than punch lines. (Again…never at the punch lines.) Not to worry, Dave knows you don’t want to be there and will gladly allow you early access to hit the street and car again, and drive off into the midnight air towards whatever is considered home at the time.

 

9. As personally mentioned before, you are now an old, boring, married man and will most likely return to a hotel room or if fortunate enough, to one of your houses for rest and relaxation after the insanity. This is the most important part of the day, with the family that keeps you sane and honest, the only people you can trust. This is your life, not the cameras and questions, the tinted windows and coffee laughter, but the three people who believe your every word because your “Papa” not “Johnny Depp.” Here you can play Barbies or fight with plastic swords or just sit in a more comfortable chair and watch paint dry with a glass of wine in hand, because it doesn’t matter when you hit this spot. This is the safe zone, the real world.

 

10. You fall asleep and dream of sticky toffee pudding and have nightmares about clowns and airplanes.

 

 

STUDY COMPLETED. SURVIVORS WILL BE MINIMAL.

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~ by roxysparrow7 on January 7, 2009.

6 Responses to “Becoming Johnny Depp”

  1. WOW!!! All I can say is BRILLIANT!!! I absolutely love your brain and the way it works! The ending brought tears to my eyes, how his family is his grounding, his lifeline, his sanity, his heart.. Which for that reason those Depp admirers that really do just plain love him.. love that fact that he has that.. his family, his friends.. people that in the crazy backstabbing world.. take such good care of him and let him be “him”. And in the business he is in that is a almost unknown pleasure, to actually have those you can trust.. those special people that just care about you and you them…
    Well just like I seem to be doing ever since I started this thing.. I am blathering!! hehe.. see..I regress..

    But that is what that last paragraph drove me to!! Jackie you are amazing.. totally!!

  2. Jackie!!! OMG! That is brilliant. The absolute equivolent of a day in the life of JD. Hahaha I loved the press conference…

    smile, laugh, scratch, play with dangles, smile, scratch…LOL

    You are awesome.

  3. For the sake of science, this expiriment should be repeated in a double-blind setting.
    Oh yes.
    Daffy nittly.
    Of course I demand to volunteer for the next round of Becoming Johnny Depp.
    The way you describe it, it sounds horrible at times, but — all love and tenderness in the areas that matter.
    And that is good.
    Very good.
    When only the areas that matter are properly soaked in love, anything can be overcome – not just boring pressjunkets.

    It’s true.
    No Hollyweirdness can be allowed to trickle into the place where your name is Papa.
    The punishment for not obeing that Law, is Becoming Paris Hilton.

    Wonderful article.
    You just thank the Lord that there are no speedlimits for writing (yet) girl, because it moves like Starship Enterprise on acid.
    And I love the fresh, giddy colors with which you painted some of the Johnny-anekdotes I love most.
    The “Ten Decades”-one foremost.

  4. Amazingly brilliant. And you really captured the man, so to speak. Are you SURE you don’t have some inside connection to the man or his mind, at least??

  5. haha, you girls all kill me in the sweetest, most fascinating of ways. I had alot of fun working on this little independent analysis. I think, for me at least, that Johnny’s parallel life is probably the most curious thing about him, or any other “normal” celebrity for that matter. He lives two lives from sun-up to sun down every, single day. Just wanted to dive into it and see if I could figure out connections and where and how they sever themselves.

    Glad you all had fun reading, I’ll be writing more on the blog from time to time, day to day at the request of Miss Kimmy, so I look forward to seeing what other nonsense I can come up with for you. 🙂

    P.S My writing is dangerous and will most likely be the death of anyone attached to it. Just a foreboding note of warning. lol

  6. I think Johnny Depp was good at every movie I’ve seen of him i think he was good at sweeny todd that was a great movie of my life o yeah he was the best at pirates of the Caribbean too people of Hollywood lookout for your new moviestar

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